So you've never taken a spin class. Well, it's forty some odd minutes of nonstop pedaling, uphill climbs, perplexing grip-adjustments, gear turns, 74-year-olds, hyperventilating, and a Pitbull track or twelve. (Congratulations, and welcome to fitness hell!) With beach season right around the corner, Jeff Vrabel takes us through the acid-trip fever dream that is the wandering mind of a spin class neophyte.
1. There are other guys coming, right? Other guys are coming?
2. I’m sure other guys are coming. Guys are late to things all the time.
3. That’s a girl.
7. That’s a guy, but he’s 74.
8. Alright, let’s go. What is “flat-road resistance?” Let’s try, I don’t know, level 6.
9. Add three gears? Okay, fine.
10. I'm feeling pretty good, I'm probably just a few steroid doses away from a good Tour de France.
11. Three gears feels like more gears than three gears is.
12. Are they going to play anything other than Pitbull?
13. They’re not going to play anything other than Pitbull.
14. Keep it at 90 rpm, she says. Okay, that shouldn’t be too…Jesus, ow!
15. What do you mean hold it here?
16. Does everyone rain sweat on the handlebars like this?
17. Why isn’t the 74-year-old guy sweating? Come on, Patrick Stewart, act like this is difficult.
18. I rode my bike for eight hours every summer day when I was 12. I should be more prepared than this.
19. Can we sit down? I don’t want to stand up anymore.
20. Hey, there I am in the mirror. Wait, that’s not me is it?
21. It’s me. Did not recognize that look of sheer terror.
22. The nice thing about running is if you get tired you can technically just stop, but I can’t do that here, these nice ladies and Patrick Stewart will laugh at me.
23. Oh we’re climbing a mountain now? Fantastic.
24. I'm starting to get the uncomfortable sensation that I like Pitbull.
25. What’s that instructor really like outside of class?
26. If I need an extra little kick I can think of the daily injustice being levied on the world's poor by a bloated tangerine joke of a president,
or I could just really concentrate on this Kesha song.
27. Are we still on the mountain?
28. I have never climbed a mountain this big. There are no mountains this big.
29. Is it acceptable to pour a bottle of Gatorade over your neck in an indoor gym?
30. I hope so. Sorry ’bout the splash, brah!
31. I have never previously been in this much pain while listening to “Walking on Sunshine.”
32. Stop yelling about how I feel good. I don’t feel good. I want to die. Why don't you play a song about wanting to die? I’m sure Pitbull has
one of those.
33. Honestly, how big is this goddamn mountain? Unless we’re tooling around K2 we should be done by now.
34. It's going to be pretty cool when I have zero upper body definition but the legs of Hercules. The tailor will be fascinated.
35. Hey instructor, you murderous queen of pain, how can you be smiling? Your smile is an insult.
36. Is there a downhill? Why don't these things have a downhill, where the pedals go all spinny by themselves? All we're doing is going
uphill. This is a topographic impossibility.
37. Yeah, I see you, kettlebell bro. Race me, motherfucker
38. Note to self, download that “Backstreet’s Back” song later.
39. Everything hurts. After this I’m going to the hot tub with the old naked guys, I don’t even care.
40. Only 37 minutes to go!